Rehab Is For Quitters

So I was just reading that 9 out of 10 people break their New Year's resolutions! I think this is why I don't make resolutions. I don't swear off drinking or anything else. I don't worry about hitting rock bottom. Hell, I hit rock bottom all the time!!! Just kidding. I don't need a day of the year to say I'm going to make a change. All I need is to wake up next to a tranny midget to know that I don't need to do that again.
I heard the following story and thought it was some funny yet fucked up shit!! I have to share...
We'll call her skid mark....or SM. It's long but best told from a first person narrative.
Skid mark says, " I was at a little bar in Brentwood called the El Dorado with a friend. I like her so much because the moment a glass of cheap wine hits her collagen injected lips, she is minutes away from being on her back. We're a great team! This is also a girl who once sat me down to tell me she had joined Sex Addicts anonymous. and in response to my laughing said, "SM this is very serious!!! It's about being addicted to sex with strangers!" "Isn't that just being a whore?" I asked her?
She went to a few meetings and then quit, once she realized that any sort of promiscuity was not going to be cured by 50 other people who were trying to have sex with her.
At El Dorado, we came upon two cute boys whom we had met a couple of months before when she had gone home with one of their friends. She and the guy never spoke again, a mere one-nighter. Apparently her dream of getting gang banged never came to fruition, so she at least wanted to frequent the same circle of friends. See? Dreams can come true!
Since their friend was a babe and I hadn't had sex with anyone they knew, I was deemed the sweet naive one. We were talking a hitting it off when I excused myself to do a little mingling, mostly because I had gas and didn't want to let one loose in front of him. Minutes later I returned to conversation raping him when he said, "What's that smell?" My fart had ricocheted its way back to me. "Ugh gross, somebody totally farted!" I said. My gas was really acting up so I decided to cut my losses, and take a dump. That'll teach me to eat Mexican on a weekend. As I left the bathroom, I ran into my friend and she said, "We're totally going home with these guys!"
I pulled her aside and explained my situation and how there had been no toilet paper in the bathroom. I really wanted to shower. She reminded me that she'd been my wingman on more than one occasion and that they'd surely have a bathroom etc. for me to clean up.
When we got to their place I immediately cleaned up.
What a disaster! The sex was OK, but for some reason I lost interest.....an consciousness.
I woke up to a blinding sunlight hitting me in the eyes. This guy had no blinds. This place was turning into a torture chamber.
I climber over him to get dressed then saw my underwear at the foot of the bed with a giant skid mark on them! I looked to see if he was awake, and when I saw he wasn't, I lunged toward them. I did something I'm still confused about and threw them out of his window and into his backyard. I was thinking of new identities and cities to move to hoping he hadn't seen this. I grabbed the rest of my clothes and ran to the bathroom.
The door was cracked partway open and I heard footsteps coming my way. I peeked my head out to see my friend coming toward me in nothing but black wool men's socks hiked up to her knees. Did my guy and his friend live with his grandpa? Did she have a threesome with grandpa? Did she have an extra toe she was trying to hide? There was dried mascara streaked down her face and her hair was insane. She explained that she hadn't had a pedicure and her feet were looking like something out of Jurassic Park. Then we heard a dog barking in the yard.
"Whose dog is that?"
My guy came up and grabbed me from behind, then I saw cujo walking toward me with my underwear in his mouth! I just kept hoping that the soiled part had been digested.
I asked, whose underwear are those? Do you just bring random girls here?!?!? He said he had no idea and the cujo walked up and I saw the piece of the stained underwear hanging from his lower mouth.
The look of disgust on his face was mortifying! "Ew" was all I heard on my way out.I got in the car and slammed the door. As I was pulling away I see my friend running after the car in a t-shirt and grandpa socks. "Wait for me!!!"
I slowed the car in order for her to get in and she screamed, "What the fuck is your problem!!?!?!?"
I told her the story and by the time I was done her mascara was no longer dry.
We were both hungry and going anywhere public was out of the question. So we opted for McDonalds and as we pulled up, saw a sign that said, "The McRib is back" "Back from where?" I asked. "I dunno, but you better not have one!" she said.
It took many sleepless nights to get over the humiliation of what had taken place. Where did I go wrong in life? I would lie awake wondering how many pair of underwear Mexicans went through each year. Once the initial mortification wore off, I realized that this was a gift. I wouldn't have to learn twice about avoiding Mexican food on the weekends."

Who knows how many girls I've helped by sharing this story....

Cheating Already?

So disgusting... I was just in the elevator riding up with two male co-workers. They were openly discussing going out this weekend to get laid. The one saying he was going to do it was JUST married and is going on the honeymoon this upcoming week. Nothing like getting some pre honeymoon action with some bar skank. I met his wife once or twice when she was in getting her wedding gown and she's very pretty and was actually pretty cool considering he's a douche!
I'm the first person to have a slip-up but between the wedding & honeymoon and planning to f-around seems sleazy w/a great big helping of slime! Why get married? I get that marriages fall apart, as do relationships, but seriously this shocked me. I'm not easily shocked. I don't want to get married and cheat, I am not into the idea of cheating anymore. I can't say that I'll never ever in a million years do it again. I'm human and have weak moments etc. I don't hold anything against people NORMALLY, but this guy was openly bragging about it during the entire ride up and they were basically congratulating each other on keeping the player dream alive. It makes little sense. Why get married then? I remember when HE asked HER! He was so excited. Maybe it was all an act and he goes and sleeps with random women all the time but I'd hope that most people make an honest go of it when saying I DO! I'm not being judgemental b/c I've changed my ways. This would have disgusted me at any point of my sneaking around. I hope this isn't a common thing. I want to believe in marriage! It's bad enough that Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and Easter Bunny have been ruined for me! I don't want to believe that this is the new model of marriage!

Bah-freaking-Hum Bug!

Christmas crazies are out in full force this year! Is there any reason to weave in & out of traffic & do a full 4 lane- lane change to exit at 95mph?
Some of these people look like they want to shank you just to get to a retailer's door before you!
I've not even done any shopping for anyone else this year. Part of this is that each time I enter a store I find 20 things I love. The rest is just that I don't want to deal with psychos to buy people I don't like that much things they don't want and will then have to return. So I'm getting to the point that I may just go ahead and pick out pre paid credit cards. Kids like them b/c they feel older paying with them & teenagers seem to prefer to pick out their own stuff so that just leaves mom, close friends, and J..
On the bright side, I watched Christmas Vacation & can't wait for the marathon of Christmas Story! One of my all time favorite movie quotes is,
Clark in Christmas Vacation: "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

Ah, gets me every time!

Well seriously, I hope everyone except my miserable troll of a co-worker has a lovely Holiday & no hangover to speak of!

My Work Here is Done!

These are in no particular order. I liked some of the blurred ones so I added. They just had a cool vibe. I took a ton more but I need to review them with JC (my friend) and her fiance (the goofy looking guy! Just kidding... not really. They are very happy & she looked lovely & had lots of wardrobe changes but we had so much fun today. I'll be sad to go home (just a little) but I got to see my friends. They're all getting married & making babies! Eeek!

Me again...

The weather was beautiful & I actually decided to mess around with the timer & got two cool shots with Max. (The dog) These are my first attempts at getting on the other side of my lens.

It would have been even better if I didn't look like I was strangling Max! He's alive & well, no worries!
I looked goofy or just pissed but the yard & evergreens & even the pool cover gave me some cool backdrops. It was so unbelievably warm but then it rained & the air got a chill to it so we all bundled back up. My aunt went sleeveless throughout the whole thing (which is rare this time of year). We got to eat TG dinner outside though so that was great. These are the lucky photos where I don't look crappy & guess I'm pretty happy with how they look....they were fun! I love my Aunt's dog Max!

Count Down to Christmas...(aka Highway to Hell)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!

Tonight officially begins my countdown to Christmas. I'll be making a ton of cheesecakes & pies since I'm in charge of dessert this year. I decided to cheat a little and went to Starbucks to purchase a tray of cranberry bliss bars because they are so delicious. I'll be making dessert until the wee hours of the morning & since my mother conveniently twisted her ankle I've been stuck running all of her errands...because I don't have my own life or anything mom. Tis' the season my ass! I've got the sneaking suspicion that she's planning on having me prepare the pate since she asked me to go purchase the ingredients. A few TG's ago, she opted to have shoulder surgery before the holidays instead of after, against the doctor's recommendation, and I was up grinding the stuff until 2 am. Then my lovely aunt decided not to do her part & I got stuck with that too, since my mom had the ingredients. This created a perfect storm when my aunt showed up Thanksgiving morning all surly and hungover and I was still busy doing her appetizers. (You couldn't wait until TG day to get loaded?) She started criticizing my cooking and though I usually wouldn't care, she kept saying how it wasn't the way she does it & that it was wrong.... HELLO, then show up and do it yourself if you're so perfect. That's about when the steam starts coming out of my ears. I tried so hard to tune her out but she kinda sounds like Dino from the Flintstones which makes it tough.

Since I'm also the only one who usually shields her from my mom and her sisters when she is being obnoxious (which is all of the time) I started to take it personally. After a good hour of nagging, I lost it and the verbal smackdown ensued and she ended up leaving. I think the only reason I didn't get in trouble for being so disrespectful & awful was because everyone was happy to have the peace and quiet. Also because the incident happened before Grandma got there & most of my family didn't witness it. (They were so disappointed not to see Auntie Linda put in her place by the least likely family member) I called and apologized but she wouldn't come back over so I packed up a ton of food and drove my little sister over to deliver it. She was happy with that. So all was well. We aren't laughing about it yet but we're close again so it's OK now. I still want to poison her occasionally but I never would because I do love her & I know she means well & where would I dump her body? Then again, the list of suspects would be quite enormous!

Nah! She's family. If your family can't drive you crazy, who can?

Well hopefully you all have a very peaceful and wonderful Thanksgiving! Be safe if you're travelling and enjoy the time off of work! I'll be on my best behavior! If I'm not, you'll be the first to hear my side of the story!

When Harry Met Sally?

Can’t men & women just be friends? I admit that it’s rare that I’ve had a male friend and not even wondered what things would be like on a different level. A couple ex-boyfriends were friends first & sometimes I was able to go back to just being friends with one of them. I have one male friend who will NEVER be anything but a friend. He’s almost 19 years older than I am, a single dad, and just an all around nice person. We don’t discuss sexual experiences or anything explicit or flirt EVER. I don’t & just don’t want to think of him that way. I know he does his thing & he knows that I do mine. He now lives two doors down from me since I moved. I even considered passing on my property when I realized it was so close since I didn’t want him to feel like I was going to expect to hang out all the time.
I picked up a bunch of storage bins from Home Depot & gave some of the extras to my friend Bill. J got all pissed b/c when I stopped over, I made plans for the following evening to watch a movie with Bill and his son providing J didn’t have anything planned that would conflict.
When I told J, he said that he didn’t like it. He basically said that it wasn’t right & I shouldn’t go, and that anyone would agree with him. We’ve been fighting since Tuesday night as a result. I may have been a cheat, but I’ve passed up on it since I’ve been with J. I don’t think of my friend that way. I prefer to go over between 9 & 10 pm so I can say hi to the kids but still have a little “grown up” time when they go to bed at 10. ( i.e. Not having to be mindful of language while talking about my day)
J won’t admit that he’s jealous & insecure and I won’t give up a friend that has been there for me through thick and thin. I don’t even hang with the one I dated because that’s a potential danger. Yesterday was T’s birthday & I didn’t even drop by his party.
I’m feeling controlled, and like a possession. I feel that he’s gotten too comfortable being joined at my hip & if it’s not a trust issue, it’s the fact that he doesn’t have 100% of my attention. I’ve let him go everywhere with me & when I don’t, it’s a fight. This is my friend and I’m at the point where I just don’t feel as if he’s entitled to come along. Bill said that he’d like us to both come over after Thanksgiving craziness is over. For now, J just has to deal with me flying solo. I already feel as though I’m going to just start doing more on my own b/c he’s too (________)??? If Bill were a straight chick it’d be fine! (J also has an issue with me hanging with one of my sales reps b/c she is gay and she’s interested in me.) Apparently I just don’t have a say in who I’m interested in & if someone likes me then it’s on! I’ve been totally faithful & I don’t want to be with anyone else physically. When did I become his property? I know how it could appear but I’ve never been one to give a shit & neither has J so for him to say that feels like an excuse. If I am wrong, I just can’t see it.