Monday, January 7, 2008

Rehab Is For Quitters

So I was just reading that 9 out of 10 people break their New Year's resolutions! I think this is why I don't make resolutions. I don't swear off drinking or anything else. I don't worry about hitting rock bottom. Hell, I hit rock bottom all the time!!! Just kidding. I don't need a day of the year to say I'm going to make a change. All I need is to wake up next to a tranny midget to know that I don't need to do that again.
I heard the following story and thought it was some funny yet fucked up shit!! I have to share...
We'll call her skid mark....or SM. It's long but best told from a first person narrative.
Skid mark says, " I was at a little bar in Brentwood called the El Dorado with a friend. I like her so much because the moment a glass of cheap wine hits her collagen injected lips, she is minutes away from being on her back. We're a great team! This is also a girl who once sat me down to tell me she had joined Sex Addicts anonymous. and in response to my laughing said, "SM this is very serious!!! It's about being addicted to sex with strangers!" "Isn't that just being a whore?" I asked her?
She went to a few meetings and then quit, once she realized that any sort of promiscuity was not going to be cured by 50 other people who were trying to have sex with her.
At El Dorado, we came upon two cute boys whom we had met a couple of months before when she had gone home with one of their friends. She and the guy never spoke again, a mere one-nighter. Apparently her dream of getting gang banged never came to fruition, so she at least wanted to frequent the same circle of friends. See? Dreams can come true!
Since their friend was a babe and I hadn't had sex with anyone they knew, I was deemed the sweet naive one. We were talking a hitting it off when I excused myself to do a little mingling, mostly because I had gas and didn't want to let one loose in front of him. Minutes later I returned to conversation raping him when he said, "What's that smell?" My fart had ricocheted its way back to me. "Ugh gross, somebody totally farted!" I said. My gas was really acting up so I decided to cut my losses, and take a dump. That'll teach me to eat Mexican on a weekend. As I left the bathroom, I ran into my friend and she said, "We're totally going home with these guys!"
I pulled her aside and explained my situation and how there had been no toilet paper in the bathroom. I really wanted to shower. She reminded me that she'd been my wingman on more than one occasion and that they'd surely have a bathroom etc. for me to clean up.
When we got to their place I immediately cleaned up.
What a disaster! The sex was OK, but for some reason I lost interest.....an consciousness.
I woke up to a blinding sunlight hitting me in the eyes. This guy had no blinds. This place was turning into a torture chamber.
I climber over him to get dressed then saw my underwear at the foot of the bed with a giant skid mark on them! I looked to see if he was awake, and when I saw he wasn't, I lunged toward them. I did something I'm still confused about and threw them out of his window and into his backyard. I was thinking of new identities and cities to move to hoping he hadn't seen this. I grabbed the rest of my clothes and ran to the bathroom.
The door was cracked partway open and I heard footsteps coming my way. I peeked my head out to see my friend coming toward me in nothing but black wool men's socks hiked up to her knees. Did my guy and his friend live with his grandpa? Did she have a threesome with grandpa? Did she have an extra toe she was trying to hide? There was dried mascara streaked down her face and her hair was insane. She explained that she hadn't had a pedicure and her feet were looking like something out of Jurassic Park. Then we heard a dog barking in the yard.
"Whose dog is that?"
My guy came up and grabbed me from behind, then I saw cujo walking toward me with my underwear in his mouth! I just kept hoping that the soiled part had been digested.
I asked, whose underwear are those? Do you just bring random girls here?!?!? He said he had no idea and the cujo walked up and I saw the piece of the stained underwear hanging from his lower mouth.
The look of disgust on his face was mortifying! "Ew" was all I heard on my way out.I got in the car and slammed the door. As I was pulling away I see my friend running after the car in a t-shirt and grandpa socks. "Wait for me!!!"
I slowed the car in order for her to get in and she screamed, "What the fuck is your problem!!?!?!?"
I told her the story and by the time I was done her mascara was no longer dry.
We were both hungry and going anywhere public was out of the question. So we opted for McDonalds and as we pulled up, saw a sign that said, "The McRib is back" "Back from where?" I asked. "I dunno, but you better not have one!" she said.
It took many sleepless nights to get over the humiliation of what had taken place. Where did I go wrong in life? I would lie awake wondering how many pair of underwear Mexicans went through each year. Once the initial mortification wore off, I realized that this was a gift. I wouldn't have to learn twice about avoiding Mexican food on the weekends."

Who knows how many girls I've helped by sharing this story....

4 comments:

Jimbo said...

Just how many tranny midgets have you woken up next too?

NotANiceGirl said...

other than that one gang bang?

Jimbo said...

I have never had a midget before. Deny Crane loves them. Are they good?

NotANiceGirl said...

I was just fucking with you. Midgets really creep me out. their little vienna sausage fingers freak me the fuck out